When I was about 19 years old, a boyfriend broke up with me. I was devastated and wallowing in self pitty when my best friend basically told me to suck it up and think about the good things in my life. She said there's always going to be other people who have it a lot better and a lot worse than you do. Ever since then I decided to be thankful for my blessings vs. focusing on all the things I wish I had.
Since that time, life has thrown me many curve balls. All of my grandparents and both parents have died. I have a very challenging special needs child and always seem to be in the midst of some crisis. But whenever I get down, I always remember those words my friend said a long time ago.
Charlene was her name and she died at age 33 from diabetes. She lived life to the fullest; I think she knew she was going to die young. That small piece of advice changed my life and gave me a whole new outlook. The glass has been half full for me ever since.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
People of Worth
Yeah! I got a new notebook today; new pen & new thoughts (one can only hope). Sitting outside of a sleazy smoke filled dive waiting on a friend for drinks. Of course, prompt me is the first one here & already 'Old Tom' has introduced himself & offered that must touch you of a hand shake.
Obliged, my hand goes out for that momentary superficial human touch. Rough hands, callused & insulated from all conductivity. No electrical connection to be found. But the friendly smile will not be suppressed; acknowledgment of one's humanness. A person or worth, his own story, his own path. Miles spent in those shoes. Who am I to judge those glossy eyes in that smoke filled dive? For all I know he's done nothing but strive to survive life's circumstances, just like me.
Perhaps he's in a perpetual state of blissful ignorance; happy & content with that shot of tequila & salty lime chaser. Why would he engage into the tortured depths of the deep thinker's mind? Why not be content with the potential pick up perceived in that moment? For all he knows, I'm just as skanky as the next bar HO, except in better clothes. Why not give it a shot? He's surely used to the rejection from the pretty faces. Though, he probably even got lucky a time or two with a lovely shallow simple mind looking for validation in the midst of all the other barflys. A girl happy & content with the attentions of someone who doesn't want to beat the crap out of her & blacken those blue, once beautiful eyes.
Indeed! Who am I to ponder the lack of complexities of those seeming simples? It's so pretentious to think I'M ALL THAT, yet I know there is more here than the general population.
Simple vs. complex - Something I've pondered before & am still seeking the answer to. For the simple thinkers, life seems easier; though I know it's not.
Perhaps that state of oblivion is a protective shield to those who need it. Lord knows I do & often seek that force field for my ride through life's atmospheric layer, back from the darkened empty ride in to the voided spaces of recent experiences. Knowing I must endure the raging fire of that re-entry to life's cooling ocean waters. Ready to be rescued by those Navy Seals. At their mercy, sitting in the sealed pod, unable to release the latched gate to the fresh salty air that fills and feeds my restless soul.
Life's too precious not to endure. I don't REALLY want to avoid that pain, fury & conflict. I seek the rewards to be found in those growing pains. The torture is worth the gain. At least that's what I tell myself.
How nice it would be to exist in the mindless dribble I often think. But when those thoughts are void & the emptiness prevails, I am alone & out of relationship with the brilliant minds. The realization of what's missing dominates and perpetuates my thoughts. Thus in the end, I seek to feed this compulsion, my quest for meaning.
Hoping to offer just a small fraction of what I take away. A burning desire to replenish the fresh waters recovering properties. Making restitution for the life sucking leaches of my ancestors, of myself many times. God help me to give more than I take. Potential carries such responsibility to give, love, forgive and empathize. If not from me, then who?
'All We Need is Love' so the song goes. To be a giver & not the taker is my quest & calling. Unworthy in my charge, but willing to give it my one & only shot, over and over and over again.
Obliged, my hand goes out for that momentary superficial human touch. Rough hands, callused & insulated from all conductivity. No electrical connection to be found. But the friendly smile will not be suppressed; acknowledgment of one's humanness. A person or worth, his own story, his own path. Miles spent in those shoes. Who am I to judge those glossy eyes in that smoke filled dive? For all I know he's done nothing but strive to survive life's circumstances, just like me.
Perhaps he's in a perpetual state of blissful ignorance; happy & content with that shot of tequila & salty lime chaser. Why would he engage into the tortured depths of the deep thinker's mind? Why not be content with the potential pick up perceived in that moment? For all he knows, I'm just as skanky as the next bar HO, except in better clothes. Why not give it a shot? He's surely used to the rejection from the pretty faces. Though, he probably even got lucky a time or two with a lovely shallow simple mind looking for validation in the midst of all the other barflys. A girl happy & content with the attentions of someone who doesn't want to beat the crap out of her & blacken those blue, once beautiful eyes.
Indeed! Who am I to ponder the lack of complexities of those seeming simples? It's so pretentious to think I'M ALL THAT, yet I know there is more here than the general population.
Simple vs. complex - Something I've pondered before & am still seeking the answer to. For the simple thinkers, life seems easier; though I know it's not.
Perhaps that state of oblivion is a protective shield to those who need it. Lord knows I do & often seek that force field for my ride through life's atmospheric layer, back from the darkened empty ride in to the voided spaces of recent experiences. Knowing I must endure the raging fire of that re-entry to life's cooling ocean waters. Ready to be rescued by those Navy Seals. At their mercy, sitting in the sealed pod, unable to release the latched gate to the fresh salty air that fills and feeds my restless soul.
Life's too precious not to endure. I don't REALLY want to avoid that pain, fury & conflict. I seek the rewards to be found in those growing pains. The torture is worth the gain. At least that's what I tell myself.
How nice it would be to exist in the mindless dribble I often think. But when those thoughts are void & the emptiness prevails, I am alone & out of relationship with the brilliant minds. The realization of what's missing dominates and perpetuates my thoughts. Thus in the end, I seek to feed this compulsion, my quest for meaning.
Hoping to offer just a small fraction of what I take away. A burning desire to replenish the fresh waters recovering properties. Making restitution for the life sucking leaches of my ancestors, of myself many times. God help me to give more than I take. Potential carries such responsibility to give, love, forgive and empathize. If not from me, then who?
'All We Need is Love' so the song goes. To be a giver & not the taker is my quest & calling. Unworthy in my charge, but willing to give it my one & only shot, over and over and over again.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Perfectly Flawed
Good vs. Bad according to the world's standards. Made to feel less of a person by not meeting the expectations of those self perceived righteous people. Hidden yet revealing, tentative and concealing. Mysterious and full of intriguing layers. Who is this man so perfectly flawed?
"Will she run if she knew all of me", he thinks. Though I know he's just a man striving to be better as he steps up the heightened risers of life. Searching for betterment in the daily strife. Knowing no fear, being true to self and not afraid to die of this body. Though the reaches of death still not concored in an empty existence. What's missing he says. Not excitement, love, money, pleasure - he really doesn't understand. But the feeling of discontent prevails and perpetuates a persistent unknown dissatisfaction.
Who wants the perfect man, enlightened, pure and whole. Not me I say, what a bore! At last I realize as I look into those deep ocean eyes; honest, yet hidden. No hurry here, taking time to explore. Seeking more of that complex and intriguing soul. Give me bits, in measured doses. I trust when you say, would not mess with my mind in that way. So let it go and unfold a new day. I'm here listening with baited breath. A heart longing for stimulation from what you say. Give it up & let it go. I'm not going away.
Take your time; you'll know when it's right. You perfectly, beautiful scary flawed man. You have my attention.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
I want to find my soulmate on the Internet.
The Internet has some of the most brilliant horny sexless married men one would ever want to meet. Even those married getting sex would do, but I prefer the restless hearts vs. those with simply hot loins to satiate.
Give me the lonely, the depressed, the mixed up, crazy ones who like to watch women pee on themselves or even better, pee on him. I'm restless for a guy who doesn't understand himself or anyone else; who is anti social, constipated, loves enemas and has cavities. How about a guy who thinks he's better off alone, is introverted and is the craziest person he knows?
Yes, we have an awesome group to pick from ladies. Our chances are excellent for finding that one special person to ruin our lives here on the Internet. Forget the real life psycho in the cubicle right next to yours. The Internet is the real, real life.
Come on guys, we can fix you... really :)
Give me the lonely, the depressed, the mixed up, crazy ones who like to watch women pee on themselves or even better, pee on him. I'm restless for a guy who doesn't understand himself or anyone else; who is anti social, constipated, loves enemas and has cavities. How about a guy who thinks he's better off alone, is introverted and is the craziest person he knows?
Yes, we have an awesome group to pick from ladies. Our chances are excellent for finding that one special person to ruin our lives here on the Internet. Forget the real life psycho in the cubicle right next to yours. The Internet is the real, real life.
Come on guys, we can fix you... really :)
Little things mean a lot
The sound of the spring birds... the beauty of a rainstorm... the smile on a child's face, their sweet little giggles... the stinky wet kisses from a dog... dew drops on flowers... rainbows.. clouds reflecting off skyscrapers... tiny little hugs and kisses from a little one... wiping away their tears when they are crying... long walks in the woods... waterfalls... the smell of the air after a rainstorm... getting a pedicure.. the pleasure I get from helping someone... listening to good music... hugs... laughing for no good reason at all the silly stuff around... going on mind journeys with my virtual friends... loving so much it hurts... the taste of good bottle of wine... long hot passionate kisses... his touch... friends... family... meaningful work... the taste of a good meal prepared with love... long drives on a country road with no particular destination... a dog's smile... a good movie... a good afternoon nap... the first spring forsythia blooms... a good lunch with a long lost friend... comfortable silences..............
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Simple vs. Complex: Which is better?
Simple vs. Complex. Which to choose? I suppose as a person seeking validation, the obvious choice for me would be complex. As I ponder this question, in my minds eye, I am seeing a picture of an intelligent and relatively attractive person; someone who comes from a Deep Gene Pool. An A-Lister. College educated. Creative and well versed having stimulating, quick witted conversations. That's who I'd like to be and is the kind of person I like having around. What's not to love?
However, looking back in my life, I think about people I've encountered who tip the Richter scale with complexities. The most interesting of these folks I find are the creative types; artist, poets, writers and musicians. One could spend a lifetime delving into the imaginative thinking of these wonderful breads!
However, looking back in my life, I think about people I've encountered who tip the Richter scale with complexities. The most interesting of these folks I find are the creative types; artist, poets, writers and musicians. One could spend a lifetime delving into the imaginative thinking of these wonderful breads!
Also amongst the complex group are the true intellectuals; those with masters and doctorate degrees; our professors, philosophers, the true academicians. These complex people are very captivating, full of interest and surprise. However at times I find them a bit heavy, brooding, seeming almost tortured by their gifts.
While contemplating the simple, I can’t help but think of Jenny of Forest, Forest Gump fame. Relating to her character, I too want to run away and escape the complexities of life, seeking to numb the raw human emotions that overtake me. I look for solace in the safe harbors of simple things. A sunset, the softness of a flower petal, a smiling dog, all bring a peace and understanding unexplainable in intellectual terms.
One of my most profound experiences was with my neighbor’s son born with Cerebral Palsy. Body crippled, mind seemingly unaware of his surroundings; simple and basic as one can get. Every now and then I would catch a small glimpse of understanding in his sweet eyes; a hint of a smile as he watched his mother lovingly care for his needs. In these brief moments of clarity, I witnessed the pureness of life, broken down in to two basic elements: Love and Understanding.
So which would I choose? I honestly cannot say either, or neither, but both I suppose. Each has its own accolades, but each is also flawed. One simply has to seek the beauty and grace of both.
While contemplating the simple, I can’t help but think of Jenny of Forest, Forest Gump fame. Relating to her character, I too want to run away and escape the complexities of life, seeking to numb the raw human emotions that overtake me. I look for solace in the safe harbors of simple things. A sunset, the softness of a flower petal, a smiling dog, all bring a peace and understanding unexplainable in intellectual terms.
One of my most profound experiences was with my neighbor’s son born with Cerebral Palsy. Body crippled, mind seemingly unaware of his surroundings; simple and basic as one can get. Every now and then I would catch a small glimpse of understanding in his sweet eyes; a hint of a smile as he watched his mother lovingly care for his needs. In these brief moments of clarity, I witnessed the pureness of life, broken down in to two basic elements: Love and Understanding.
So which would I choose? I honestly cannot say either, or neither, but both I suppose. Each has its own accolades, but each is also flawed. One simply has to seek the beauty and grace of both.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Deep Gene Pools
Ever meet those seemingly perfect families? Father is usually a pilot for a major airline, CEO of a fortune 500 company or state senator. Mom gets to stay home and take the kids to their soccer games, baseball games & dance practices. Their kids always say ‘yes mamn’ when asked to please use their ‘inside voice’ and the child actually does what she’s asked in immediate response to mom’s calm still voice; communicating like one’s favorite grade school teacher.
The children are never seen out in public wearing dirty tees or with snotty noses. No, their designer polo shirts with crisp white tee shirts underneath are always sparkling clean. They all seem to go to private schools and make straight A’s. Everyone likes them and they like everyone they meet, genuinely, no snobbery to be found.
I want so much to hate these people, but can’t find anything within their perfectness to dislike. I call it the Mary Poppins syndrome. My sister in law is one of these people and I love her dearly. She once ran the most prestigious school in our city; a brilliant person with a heart of gold. I want so badly to find something to dislike about her, but there’s simply no flaws to be found. She’s patient with my devil spawn child. Loves him, molds him and makes him a better person (and me as well).
Meeting and knowing people like this can make one have a pity party real fast and although I come from Tennessee, I’d never admit to coming from a ‘Shallow Gene Pool’. No, the river doesn’t run deep here, but the waters are at least navigable. The faces in my family are relatively symmetrical. We have all our fingers, toes and yes, even teeth! No one ever married or as far as I know even kissed their cousin; not that any one would admit anyway (which is something to be said all on its own).
Most in my family and most families I meet fall in the ‘Middlin' Gene Pool’. We have average jobs with average incomes. Our kids are good at sports and do well in school, but aren’t slated for greatness unless they really apply themselves. Distinction doesn’t come naturally for us, but the potential is there.
Our kids have been known to throw it down on the floor at Wal-Mart because that’s the nature of the people who shop there. As parents, we sometimes lose our tempers during those events as we muscle our way through the self check out lane, in fear of losing our place in line. We’ve been known to feed our kids Chicken Nuggets without guilt because we’re just too darn tired to cook up the nutritional meal. In short, our lives are just too real for reality and it’s easy to look at the Deeps with wanted contempt, but knowing it’s not their fault they are so perfect.
I had a patient once that obviously came from the Deep Gene Pool category. He retired at age 50 from the Pharmaceutical industry. He flies his personal plane everywhere he goes. Has three sons; one slated for professional baseball, one is completely creative and musically talented and the last is on his way toward becoming an Olympic diver. The man was a great conversationalist and I wanted to spend all afternoon talking with him in awe of his seemingly perfect family and life.
However, as I sat at his bedside noting he was there because of a recent liver transplant, aging and nearing the end of his days. I came to realize, NO ONES LIFE IS PERFECT. We all have our crises and crosses to bear. No one escapes the reality of every day living. Everyone’s kids blow up at some point. We all have our embarrassing moments. And while the Deeps do have a seemingly perfect life, one has to remember that it’s only SEEMINGLY PERFECT. For some the flaws and trials are just not as obvious.
The children are never seen out in public wearing dirty tees or with snotty noses. No, their designer polo shirts with crisp white tee shirts underneath are always sparkling clean. They all seem to go to private schools and make straight A’s. Everyone likes them and they like everyone they meet, genuinely, no snobbery to be found.
I want so much to hate these people, but can’t find anything within their perfectness to dislike. I call it the Mary Poppins syndrome. My sister in law is one of these people and I love her dearly. She once ran the most prestigious school in our city; a brilliant person with a heart of gold. I want so badly to find something to dislike about her, but there’s simply no flaws to be found. She’s patient with my devil spawn child. Loves him, molds him and makes him a better person (and me as well).
Meeting and knowing people like this can make one have a pity party real fast and although I come from Tennessee, I’d never admit to coming from a ‘Shallow Gene Pool’. No, the river doesn’t run deep here, but the waters are at least navigable. The faces in my family are relatively symmetrical. We have all our fingers, toes and yes, even teeth! No one ever married or as far as I know even kissed their cousin; not that any one would admit anyway (which is something to be said all on its own).
Most in my family and most families I meet fall in the ‘Middlin' Gene Pool’. We have average jobs with average incomes. Our kids are good at sports and do well in school, but aren’t slated for greatness unless they really apply themselves. Distinction doesn’t come naturally for us, but the potential is there.
Our kids have been known to throw it down on the floor at Wal-Mart because that’s the nature of the people who shop there. As parents, we sometimes lose our tempers during those events as we muscle our way through the self check out lane, in fear of losing our place in line. We’ve been known to feed our kids Chicken Nuggets without guilt because we’re just too darn tired to cook up the nutritional meal. In short, our lives are just too real for reality and it’s easy to look at the Deeps with wanted contempt, but knowing it’s not their fault they are so perfect.
I had a patient once that obviously came from the Deep Gene Pool category. He retired at age 50 from the Pharmaceutical industry. He flies his personal plane everywhere he goes. Has three sons; one slated for professional baseball, one is completely creative and musically talented and the last is on his way toward becoming an Olympic diver. The man was a great conversationalist and I wanted to spend all afternoon talking with him in awe of his seemingly perfect family and life.
However, as I sat at his bedside noting he was there because of a recent liver transplant, aging and nearing the end of his days. I came to realize, NO ONES LIFE IS PERFECT. We all have our crises and crosses to bear. No one escapes the reality of every day living. Everyone’s kids blow up at some point. We all have our embarrassing moments. And while the Deeps do have a seemingly perfect life, one has to remember that it’s only SEEMINGLY PERFECT. For some the flaws and trials are just not as obvious.
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